silence!

so, totally uncharacteristic of my life right now, i have peace and quiet. It's sunday am, and here i am, all by myself with my coffee. how's that for strange? i wasted some precious free time already just trying to decide what to do with said time. i know i never write much, just pictures so people far away can see Hannah. So i thought i would.
last night we were getting her ready for bed, and she looked at me, and patrick asked me how i felt when she looked at me like that. I was stumped, because there really are no words to describe. Now I've always been a kid person, especially babies. But i had no idea how much I could love my own. I know it's cliche. But I hardly even like kids any more compared to how much i love my own. i never knew i could love so much. As my mom can attest to, due to many teary phone conversations, i used to be very concerned i wasn't going to love her enough. Due to a surprise pregnancy and a somewhat busy time in our lives, i didn't think i was ready for Hannah, and sometimes had a somewhat ambivalent pregnancy. I just didn't seem as excited as other pregnant women. I was also super protective (perhaps somewhat unhealthily!) of mine and patrick's time together, and resented any intrusion. I thought i could never love someone like I love Patrick. Lo and behold, since the second I looked into that child's eyes, while she was still attached to me, i've been smitten. And much to my surprise, i love her better than Patrick. Not more, that's not what i said. but i wish i could love patrick as well as i love Hannah. So unselfishly, not putting any demands on her to meet my needs. never getting irritated. (and that's a miracle, because she wakes up ALOT). completely rearranging my life and my desires and putting myself last, and be glad to do so. isn't this how i'm supposed to love Patrick? so in the end, i love them both more than i can imagine. my whole life wrapped up in these two bodies, one big and one tiny, sleeping in my bed next to each other. they both teach me how to love. they both love me in return, more than i deserve. Alas, I hear my precious daughter. let me go get her before she wakes up my precious husband.