Hannah's in bed, patrick's across the street watching the over-rated auburn university football game, and i, the party animal of the neighbourhood, am at home in my pyjamas. so if i try to look at this more as catching up with a friend, as opposed to something like an impending school project, perhaps i'll be more timely with our updates. i have finally forgiven Blogger and my computer for the unjustices committed against me, and am attempting to restore our relationship and move forward. unfortunately, i have no idea where our camera is, so this little chat will be picture free. it may be in NC, actually. hope not. we just never take pictures, or video anymore. her second year of life is definitely not going to be as well documented as her first. and our second baby (not that we have one in any capacity!), poor thing, he'll be lucky with one or two pictures.

so, about last pictures, we went to northern al over labour day, specifically huntsville. did some fun things, some big space museum that patrick can tell you more about, the state park, spent alot of time in the hotel pool, that kind of thing. hannah is cute as can be, but more of a handful than i expected. i am already that mom, the very embarassed one chasing her unruly child through the mall/grocery store/parking lot/church foyer, because my precious doll (that's what i try to keep convincing myself, anyways) is forever running, usually away from me. we have one of those cheap little fold up strollers, and she now knows if she catapults herself forward, she can actually stand up on the ground while still strapped in. causes problems, as you can imagine. if you attempt to restrain her activities in any way at all (diaper/clothing change, stroller, carseat, hugs on your lap) she acts like it is the worst injustice ever committed against a human being. it's quite embarassing. she is also quite the picky eater, which we're trying to work on, and sooooooo messy. oh my goodness. the other day i made the mistake of doing her bath before she ate supper, and within seconds her hair was a mixture of mashed sweet potatoes, yogurt, and strawberries. and the floor and the highchair. i'm not complaining. really. i love this child so much i could just eat her up. and she is without a doubt the most adorable thing God ever created. but toddlers are hard, that's all i'm saying. can i get an amen?

so without emotionally vomiting on all my faithful blog readers, i have to share some exciting progress in my life. By now it's fairly public knowledge that i struggle with insecurity, comparing myself to other people, and an unhealthy focus on the physical. that was intensified by some other things in my life, and recently, things have been bad. very bad. i was making a half-hearted attempt to fix myself, but it wasn't going very well. i knew i was believing lies and not living the abundant life God has for me, but i never really thought i could change. some thoughts i knew were wrong, others i didn't even know i really had. they had been a part of me for so long. things were getting so bad i decided they had to change. if anyone else is in this place, hear this: you have to do something even before you want to. don't wait until you actually want to, or you never will. long story short, i never imagined how powerful God could work in my life if i really gave Him the opportunity. and i know it's cliche, at least in my circles, but i am doing Beth moore's breaking free, and i got to tell you, it deserves all the hype. EVERYBODY should do this bible study. it's amazing. that, and some long, difficult conversations with my mother and mother-in-law, along with their prayers, and a whole lot of my own. God really truly wants to change our lives and our hearts. He wants us to be healed of whatever scars we have, and be whole and complete in Him. i just want to publicly thank Him for what He's doing in my life. Don't be like me and hold on to lies, hurts, bitterness and resentment, all kinds of things. letting go might be the hardest thing you ever do, but it's so worth it. God will take care of your heart.

one more thing i want to share. (figure i might as well get all this out of the way at one time!) most of you know I experienced alot of trouble nursing when Hannah was born. We are soon closing that chapter of our relationship, and in honor, if you will, i wanted to share what we've done, in hopes that it may help someone else ( just like the previous paragraph). I have a genetic disorder or something called hypoprolactinemia (low prolactin, caused by a pituitary gland problem) and hypoplasia (lack of mammary gland tissue). after 2 wks of sheer horribleness, we realized she was starving, and we started supplementing with formula, in a bottle. (i could never have gone through this without my sister meghan, btw, who went through it all before me, twice, and told me everything i needed to know.) i was against this because 1. the formula 2. the bottle. so you see we had problems. what to do? if you ever find yourself in this situation, everyone, lactation consultants included, will probably tell you to give up, because you did your best and there's nothing you can do. au contraire, my friend. long story short, we have been nursing for 14 mos now with a supplementer and donated milk. (yes, donated human milk. i know, i know, you think it's gross. people donate blood, don't they, and organs? why not milk?) this enables us to nurse exclusively, and just supplement while nursing. there are milk banks in all NICU (neonatal intensive care units) of hospitals, because everyone knows how important it is for especially preemies and sick babies to get breastmilk. you can buy milk from milk banks for the exorbitant price of a few dollars and ounce. (a newborn eats around 10-15 oz/day, and works their way up to 30 oz eventually.) this is much too expensive. so there are people who simply give it away. i know, too good to be true. that's what i thought. an online group called milkshare brings together donors and donees all across the country. i post my situation and where i live, and ideally, people respond saying, oh, i live in AL, and I have extra, come and get it. so i truck on over there with my coolers and come back with 100's of ounces of frozen breastmilk and put it in my freezer. really, it's quite a system. of course, sometimes they say i live in wyoming, you can have it but you have to pay $100's of shipping charges, or something. but you do what you can. some people have extra from what they saved for their baby when they went back to work. others do ongoing donations, and send you milk every few months. we were blessed to have milk for Hannah for probably 70% of her first year. (now, big girl that she is, i just give her koolaid. you laugh, but people actually do that!) anyways, all that to say
1. if you are having problems, don't give up. maybe you don't know what the problem is and nobody around you can help. maybe you know already you had masectomy, reduction surgery, or maybe you're adopting and trying to induce lactation. there are options for you.

2. maybe you fall into the vast majority of moms who never have problems and could probably feed a country, because your supply and demand works, well, on demand. perhaps you'd consider helping another baby? www.milkshare.com

3. if you are the general public, thank you for reading this far and not writing me off. i appreciate your openmindedness. so to you, i ask for understanding. the more we talk about things, the more commonplace they seem. and it should be commonplace, not some embarassing, private, or even inappropriate fact of life. good heavens, with what we are all exposed to regularly, this is quite PG. or even G.

i bet you all know me waaaaay better than you ever wanted, eh? i better publish this before i get nervous and change my mind. :-)